Topic: Why I keep finding myself comparing the old version of my apartment with the new one. Tone: Casual, slightly frustrated but honest, informal. Okay, so here's the thing. I've been here for ten years, and honestly, I haven't really done much with my own house since I moved back in last November. About three months ago, I finally decided to do a little thing: replace the deep, yellowish laminate flooring in the kitchen and spread the new beige vinyl on the dining area. First off, when I walked in that morning, my hands were shaking a little. I was holding the hammer and the tape measure, looking around like I was playing a video game where I had to beat a boss with a very heavy sword. But wait, the game isn't called "get this done," the game is called "move on." It's called "find what you love." That was the first thought. I immediately told myself that this was just a project. A project that would last three months. And then, during the first week, the project started to look like it was going to last twenty years. I started buying the new kitchen backsplash tiles last Tuesday. I went to the hardware store and asked for the beige tile in the color code 2064, but the guy at the counter just looked at me like I was quoting a line from a bad movie. He said, "Oh, that shade is discontinued. You got the next closest, which is a muddy brown, and then you have that bright pink that looks like paint splatter." I just stood there, staring at the middle-aged brown tile, and I felt like I had lost a friend. But I know I'm losing more than just a tile. I'm losing all the memories of the kitchen, the coffee mug I swore was the favorite, and the way the light played against the cabinets when we ate dinner on Friday nights. I tried to sell the old house on Craigslist before I even moved, and the seller replied within an hour. "Hey, Sarah, thanks for checking out. It's a good place to live, but the seller wants to move out in a week for a price that is not acceptable." I told him I wasn't selling the house, I was just selling the space. But the seller didn't get tired. He didn't ask about the school district, which is always the number one thing people worry about when they are deciding whether to stay or go. He asked if the furnace worked. I told him it was a reliable, Sears brand. He asked if I had a car. I told him I had a Honda Civic. Basically, the conversation drifted into a discussion about how we could afford a new one-bedroom if we sold the two-bedroom. You know how it is. You think, "I am enough." You think, "I have the skills, the patience, the stubbornness." And you think, "I'm the only one who can fix this." But looking at it now, it feels like I'm asking myself, "If you were here three years ago, would you have bought this brand of dishwasher?" I can't remember buying the brand, or maybe I did, but I can't remember the receipt. There's also the thing about the landlord. We haven't had a single eviction notice, thanks to the high rent she charges. And honestly, she's got some pretty good advice. She told me last week, "Your home is your best asset. If you do anything that makes it look outdated, you're leaving value on the table." When I heard that, I kind of nodded along because I was still halfway through the demolition. But now that I'm actually in the process, I see the irony. She wants me to know that if I keep the old floors, I'm wasting millions of dollars, while she's getting a high rent check. If I change the floors, I might lose out on a few extra square feet, but I'll be safe from the "wasting" accusation. It's a tough balance, but I think I'm going in the right direction. I'm trying to find the perfect paint color for the bathroom now. I went to a store today and asked for a specific shade, but the representative said, "That exact emerald green is a collector's item, and we don't have stock. You can get the 'Deep Forest' which is close, but it's still a bit too dark for a shower." I went back home, kept thinking about the contrast between the dark green tiles and the pale tile in the bedroom, and it's getting annoying. I have to admit, I love the idea of having a bathroom that looks like a museum exhibit, but I also need to look like I'm trying to live in a place, not a gallery. I bought the new lamp last month. It's an LED fixture with a warm glow, but the price tag is way too high. I went to the store and asked for the 50-watt equivalent, but they said, "No such thing. You pay per lumens." So I have to pay for a tiny bit of brightness while spending the rest of the money on other things. It feels like I'm paying for the idea of the lamp, but the lamp itself is just a small number on a list of priorities. Anyway, I'm going to keep buying things. I'm still buying the beige vinyl, I'm still painting, I'm still looking for that one specific color. I know it's not going to go perfectly. There will be mistakes. There will be things I buy that make no sense. But I'm not quitting. In fact, I think I'm going to try to find a new way to live. Maybe I'll just paint over the yellow with a white coat and pretend the kitchen never existed. Maybe I'll just buy a new sofa and pretend I didn't care about the tile count. Maybe I'll just... move on. I think that's the point of real life, at least for me. You can't just fix everything instantly. You have to deal with the disappointments, the high costs, the unsatisfying colors. But you also have the chance to change things. To make a difference, even if the difference is just in the paint swatches you're staring at. So, what do you guys think? Do you think I should just leave the house as it is? Or should I actually try to make some real changes? Well, I'm leaning towards making a change. Just not a big one. Just a little beige vinyl on the floor. And maybe I'll even ask the landlord again, just to see if she wants to update her rent strategy. Because if she's going to want to chase my money, I might as well make sure the place she rents isn't falling apart. Okay, I'm going to go wash the dishes now. I know this is going to take forever. I know nothing is going to happen until I actually move out. But until then, I'm just going to keep buying things. Even if the paint is wrong. Even if the math doesn't add up. Because I just want to feel like I'm building something, even if it's just a fraction of something. Maybe I should talk to the landlord about this. Maybe I can negotiate a better lease term. Maybe I can just say, "Hey, I'm moving, and I need a move-in inspection that covers everything except the floor." But I don't know if the landlord will even let me ask for that. I'm not sure if they have the energy to care about the floors. Maybe they only care about the money. And maybe they already know I'm worried about the price. Because if I'm the only one who cares, they might as well just keep the lease as is. I'm not sure. I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing. But I'm not stopping. I'm just going to keep looking, keep asking, keep trying. Because sometimes, life doesn't give you a good price or a good color. It just gives you a bunch of gray tiles and a lot of gray days. And maybe, just maybe, that's what you got. And you're okay with that. And maybe that's enough to make the whole thing worth it. Anyway, I'm done with metaphors. I'm done with the "thinking I'll do better" stuff. I'm going to go buy the beige vinyl now. I'm going to start the demolition. I'm going to make the mistakes. I'm going to fail. But hey, at least I'm doing it in person. I'm not typing this from a screen when I'm stressed out. So does it matter? Maybe. But I still want to do it. I still want to see the new floor. I still want to see how long it lasts. I still want to see if the landlord is actually going to love the new tiles. So, yeah. Move on. Start with the beige. Start with the yellow. Start with the gray. But don't stop. Because if you don't change anything, you're not just moving; you're staying in the same place, just with a different floor. And I'm tired of staying. I'm tired of the same price. I'm tired of the same rent. I'm tired of the same landlord. And I'm not tired of the new beige vinyl. Okay, I'm done talking. I'm going to go lay out the new tiles now. Okay, I'll be back. I'll be back in ten minutes. I'll be back in twenty. I'll be back in a month. And when I come back, I'll be expecting the landlord to be mad. I'll be expecting the paint to be wrong. I'll be expecting the math to fail. But I'm also expecting the new floor to last forever. And I'm also expecting the landlord to be nice, because I know she's nice. And I know she's only nice because she loves me. And I know, deep down, that's why I'm here. Because I love the floor. Not the beige. Not the vinyl. Just the floor. So, yeah. I'm going to start the project. I'm going to buy the beige. I'm going to install it. I'm going to finish it. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to get rid of the yellow. I'm going to be happy. Maybe even a little happy. I'm going to be happy because I'm finally doing something. Because I'm finally making a choice. Because I'm finally taking control of this place. Okay, time to go. I'm going to wash the dishes. I'm going to eat the pasta. I'm going to think about the beige. I'm going to think about the yellow. I'm going to think about the gray. I'm going to think about the lamp. I'm going to think about the price. I'm going to think about the landlord. I'm going to think about the future. And I'm going to think that maybe, just maybe, I'm not the only one who's going to make mistakes. And maybe, just maybe, I'm not the only one going to change things. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough. Okay, I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on. Okay, I'm done waiting. I'm going to go paint the wall now. I'm going to apply the beige paint. I'm going to wait for it to dry. I'm going to wait for the smell of the new paint to fill the room. I'm going to wait for the sunlight to hit it at the right angle. I'm going to wait for the reflection to turn the wall a shade lighter than the rest of the house. I'm going to wait for the landlord to come and ask about the floor. I'm going to wait for the price to go up. I'm going to wait for the rent to change. I'm going to wait for the lease to end. I'm going to wait for the next house to be found. And I'm going to wait for the new floor to feel right. And if it feels right, then maybe I'm finally ready to move on.